I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
