I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
