im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize