I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
