i need an iv and a liver transplant
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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