People with herpes should wear stickers.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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