My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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