Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
