Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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