i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
