perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
