Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
