I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
