You just made me feel so damn special
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
