Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
