i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's blow job season.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Randomize
