Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
