mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
where are my pants?
in the oven.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
