is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
