1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
