dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
