Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
