I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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