You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him âfuck meâ eyes during a lecture a few times.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
