Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
