god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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