So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
