So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
