I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
