thus making me awesome and them whores
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize