And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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