Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
