I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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