and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
it's like heaven, but drunker
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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