I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
