i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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