I smell stomach acid.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
