I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
