Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize