my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
