just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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