When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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