Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize