you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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