you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
