I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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