Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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