So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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