I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
