She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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