..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
