My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
