I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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