What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
