I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
