I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
