It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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