Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
