last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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