I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
