cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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