Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
