Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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